My April Fool's joke

 Testimony I would like to have heard: "At the moment of impact with the defendant, I heard a loud pop almost identical to that of the uncorking of a Jeroboam of 2012 Bollinger 𝐿𝑎 𝐺𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑒 𝐴𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑒 𝐵𝑟𝑢𝑡 and was struck in the forehead immediately afterwards by a jadeite egg propelled at alarming velocity."

- Gwyneth Paltrow found not at fault in Utah ski crash trial